


I Will Remember

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-10 21:38:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1164819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 2000</p>
    </blockquote>





	I Will Remember

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 2000

Willow sat on the bed, tapping her feet on the floor impatiently. She wanted to go to Xander’s. She needed to go.

Making up her mind, she got off the bed and grabbed the doorknob. Looking back at the phone, she paused then looked at the clock. Buffy had told her that she would call as soon as she was done at Angel’s. As soon as the big confrontation was over. That should have happened by now. Her best friend should have called her in tears.

But it hadn’t happened. And her other best friend was still suffering the effects of a vengeance-transmitted disease. Looking at the phone once more, Willow shrugged and slipped out of the dorm room, hoping the phone didn’t ring while she was gone.

***  
Willow knocked softly before opening the door to Xander’s room. Peeking into the dim light, she hoped fervently that she wasn’t going to be interrupting anything.

“Xander?”

“Come on in, Wills!”

She sighed in relief and hurried down the stairs. “Hey! Feeling any better?”

“Some. No more syphilis, but I’m still tired.”

“Probably all that turkey you ate.”

“Man cannot live on snack cakes alone. I know. I’ve tried it.” He sat up and patted the bed beside him. “So, what brings you to my basement paradise?”

“Just wanted to check up on you. Make sure everything was okay. Get away from listening to my Mom’s diatribe on the Native Americans. After spending most of yesterday arguing about it with Giles and most of last night fighting their vengeful spirits, I didn’t want to hear any more.”

He leaned back against the headboard and stared at the washer and dryer. “How’s…how’s Buffy?”

“Mad.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“No. Not at you. At Angel.”

“Would it be wrong to say ‘yay’?”

Willow shrugged. “Maybe. I mean, she was doing okay. Well, not *okay* okay, but she was starting to deal with Parker and all the other stuff, but now…”

“Now?”

“She went down to…to visit her dad.”

“In LA.”

She nodded, even though he hadn’t really asked a question. “In LA.”

“Think we’ll hear the screaming up here?”

Frowning, Willow looked down at her hands. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

Unable to help himself, Xander laughed. “I’m sorry,” he finally managed. “It’s just…that question – from you of all people.”

“It’s not so funny when you realize I actually have to ask.”

His laughter stopped. “What was the question?”

“If you left someone – someone you supposedly loved, how would you do it?”

“They never stick around long enough for me to leave them.”

“Pretend. Pretend you had to leave m…Anya. Because of something that was hard to deal with. How would you do it?” Her voice was slightly angry. “Would you leave without saying goodbye, or would you give her reasons?”

“I don’t know, Willow.” He shrugged. “Angel and Buffy are never going to have completion. As much as she deserves to have it, he can’t give her a happily ever after.”

Looking at her out of the corner of his eye, he continued. “As for Oz…you don’t know that he’s not coming back.”

“It doesn’t feel like he’s coming back. It’s like there’s this part of me missing. Another part. And I’m afraid that pretty soon, everything will be missing and there won’t be any me left.”

“What’s missing?” He asked softly.

“I love who I am now,” She stated quietly. “But I also loved it when it was like you and I were the only two in the world. I miss being innocent. I miss being a kid. I miss being Oz’s girlfriend. I miss…I miss being your Willow.”

“Hey,” he put his arm around her shoulders, hugging her to him. “You’re never not going to be my Willow.” At her look of confusion, he tapped the tip of her nose. “You’re out of practice with the Xander-speak. You will always be my Willow.”

“But there’s all this other stuff…”

“Pshaw!!” He released her and bounced up off the bed. “I can prove it.”

“How?”

He held up one finger to silence her then got down on his stomach and wiggled his way under the bed. Willow listened to the soft mutters and occasional “a-has!” with a grin on her face and a slightly confused gleam in her eyes. When Xander appeared again a few minutes later, covered with dust bunnies, she couldn’t help but laugh. He stuck his tongue out, spitting when he caught a ball of fuzz on it. “Stop laughing.”

“You…You look so cute!” She held a hand to her mouth, stifling her giggles. “You look about ten.”

He ignored her, brushing the dust off him with one hand. In the other he held what he’d obviously been looking for. Cleaned up, he held the object up for her inspection. “Proof, my dear lady.”

“A video cassette?”

“Yeah.” Xander walked over to the VCR and slipped the tape in. He knew it was right where he wanted it to be in the program, he’d always made sure it was there just in case. There had never been a just in case though; she’d never needed him that way before. Well, the one time she needed someone that way, he’d been the cause of it, so she’d definitely not needed him. But he was still prepared.

Willow’s whole face lit up as the familiar music filled the room. Xander, in between whirling around the room for her, couldn’t help but give himself a mental pat on the back. He’d succeeded in making her smile, making her laugh, making her get up off the bed and dance along with him, delight in her eyes, in her face, in her being.

He grabbed her hands and they thrashed around together, dipping and spinning, stomping and jumping, doing the “pony” and the “swim”, copying each other’s frantic motions until the song was over and they both fell back on the bed, exhausted with happiness.

“Told you.”

She nodded, not looking at him. “You did. You know me too well.”

“Hey, if that’s not proof that we’re meant to be the bestest of friends, I don’t know what is. I mean, who else in this whole wide world would risk the wrath of Ira Rosenberg, just to entertain his daughter with the renegade song stylings of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’?”

She turned on her side, finally looking at him. “Only you, Xander.”

He turned as well, a little shocked to find himself looking into the warm green depths of her eyes. His heart started racing, his blood singing through his veins as they just stared at one another. This was about to get very, very bad.

“I should go.”

He nodded wordlessly, knowing that if she didn’t, things were going to change between them yet again and he wasn’t sure that their friendship could survive. He knew she was right. He agreed with her whole-heartedly.

But that didn’t stop him from leaning forward to kiss her.

Willow watched him as he moved closer, leaning toward her, his intent clear in his eyes. She knew she should pull away, turn her face, hide from what was in his eyes. She knew that if she didn’t, she ran the risk of Anya’s wrath, she ran the risk of not being able to face him again. She ran the risk of losing everything they had just proven they still possessed between them.

She lifted her chin, just slightly, meeting his lips with her own, feeling the soft exhalation of air as he sighed, sinking into the warm rush of wonder that always accompanied their kisses. A soft disbelief filled him, knowing that, despite everything, she still harbored this passion for him.

Their hands reached out, finding each other, pulling closer until they were pressed against one another. Xander rolled back, pulling Willow on top of him, relishing the gentle weight of her on his body. One hand settled in the small of her back, holding her closer while the other dove into her hair, finding the back of her neck, keeping them locked in the kiss.

Willow rested one hand on his chest, her fingers curled in his shirt. The other stroked the loose lock of hair back off his forehead as she lost herself in the warmth of his scent.

Her brain seemed to shout out the myriad of reasons why what they were doing was wrong, but all she could hear was the frantic beating of her heart.

Xander pulled away, breaking the kiss reluctantly. His brown eyes were darkened black with passion. He caught her gaze, needing to see himself in her eyes, needing to know it wasn’t about Oz. Needing her to know it wasn’t about Anya.

She smiled and his words from earlier were reflected in her eyes and smile. She was his Willow. When everything else in the world got stripped away, that would always be what it came down to.

His Willow.

Her Xander.

“I love you, Wills.”

Whatever she had planned to stay stuck in her throat, frozen by his softly spoken words. Tears sparkled in her emerald eyes. “Oh, Xander.”

He grinned, the weight of un-expressed emotion lifting off of him. “You’ll have to forgive me,” he shifted slightly, holding her closer, no longer trying to hide the effect having her in his arms was having on him. “I was always a little slow at the obvious.”

She touched his cheek, marveling at the soft skin and stubble against her fingers. “Yeah. You were.” Their gazes locked once more. “So maybe I should clarify that I love you?”

“Best not to take any chances.” He grinned impishly. “Will…will you stay?”

She leaned into him, her lips finding his quickly, capturing them in a soft kiss. Moving her head, she trailed kisses over his cheeks and forehead, his jaw and neck until she found his ear. Her breath was soft and hot as her tongue traced it, giving way to her teeth as she nibbled the lobe. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Actually, you are.” He whispered back, rolling over so that she was no longer on top. “But not all that far.”

He kissed her again, the electric touch of his lips like a shock to her system. His groaned softly, slipping his tongue into her mouth. She wrapped her arms around his neck, winding her fingers in his hair, holding him closer to her.

Xander shifted his hips so that he was lying between her spread legs, their bodies pressed hard against one another. He worked his hands under her, holding her chest against his, feeling the hardening of her nipples as he moved his lips to the silky skin at the hollow of her throat.

Willow arched upward, the fires ignited by his touch and kiss burning their way through her before settling between her thighs. She felt out of control, the need for him strong and primal. She’d always felt this with Xander, this deeper connection that went beyond passion and pleasure.

He made her feel more alive than she ever had. He made her forget everything but the two of them, of the feel of his fingers as they brushed through her hair, sliding along her cheek and continuing downward until he found the edge of her shirt.

Xander pulled away slightly, looking down at where his finger traced the collar of her T-shirt. Her chest was rising and falling with her rapid breath. He let his finger slip under the material just a bit, smiling softly to himself as she inhaled sharply.

“We’re getting to a point of no return, Wills,” he whispered, not meeting her eyes. “Because in a few seconds, with your permission, I’m going to move away and undress you slowly…” He looked up at her. “Do I have it?”

Her entire body felt tight and tingly. “Go lock the door, Xander.”

He nodded once and moved off of her, gazing at her as he did so. She was sprawled sexily across his bed, her clothes rumpled, her hair mussed. She moved, rolling her hips, letting him know that he effected her, made her restless with longing. “I’ll be…”

“Just hurry back,” she urged him. She climbed off the bed as Xander ran up the short flight of steps, tugging her shirt over her head as quickly as she could, not wanting him out of her sight. She kicked off her shoes as he turned around, and, feeling his eyes on her, she lowered her jeans to the floor.

Xander swallowed hard, gripping the handrail with all his strength to keep him from tumbling down the stairs. He let his gaze fall from her eyes down to her long alabaster neck, to the soft curve of her breasts hidden in the pale lavender bra. As he reached the bottom of the steps, his eyes swept over her firm stomach to the matching lavender panties that led to her long, shapely legs. “My God,” he breathed.

He was about to look up when the soft tumble of fabric drew his eyes back to the floor. Her bra lay at her feet in a glorious pastel pile. He forgot to breathe as her legs moved slightly and another wisp joined it on the floor.

Willow stood there, her eyes burning him as he walked forward, finally letting his gaze travel up the length of her. Her figure was as perfect as it had been on the way down, only now he was treated to the sight of the dark patch of auburn curls between her legs, only hinting at the treasure beneath them.

He bit his lip, moving another step closer, forcing his eyes higher. He could see the soft white marks of the scar where a dog had bitten her when they were children. He vaguely remembered the sheer terror that had filled him; sure that she was going to die in his arms. But above that, shadowing the smooth skin were the soft, full curves of her breasts, heavy with desire.

Heat coursed through her as his hands raised to the buttons of his shirt, easing them from their fasteners. He undressed slowly, letting the material fall away from his tanned skin. He kept moving, closing the distance between them, his eyes appraising her.

Xander watched as her nipples hardened, elongating slightly. He slipped his shirt off his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. He was just a foot away from her, and he could smell her. She smelled of vanilla and lavender, of childhood and sensuality. Meeting her eyes, Xander lowered his hands to his belt and unfastened it before doing the same to his jeans.

Willow licked her lips both from nerves and from desire as his jeans fell to the floor. She didn’t look down as he kicked them off, afraid if she saw his boxers that she’d laugh and spoil the moment. Xander smiled warmly and slid those off as well, standing before her now just inches away.

“Xan?”

“Yeah Wills?”

“I’m scared.”

He shook his head, not denying her feelings, merely assuaging them. “Don’t be. I won’t hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.”

She nodded as he stepped forward, wrapping his hand around her neck, pulling her close enough to touch, to kiss. Knowing her by heart, Xander closed his eyes as he bent his head to capture her lips. Willow sighed against him, her hands moving to his hips to caress his smooth skin.

Xander shivered, his body instinctively moving closer to hers. Willow’s gentle fingers became more demanding, curling into his bare skin.

Pulling away from their kiss, Xander forced himself to take a step back. Willow’s emerald green eyes opened slowly, glazed with need. A small smile played at the edges of his mouth as Willow focused on him, letting her gaze travel over his body.

She bit her lower lip, reconciling the memory of Xander, her childhood friend, with the reality of the man before her. Gone were the gangly limbs of youth, replaced now by firmly muscled arms and legs.

His tanned chest was sprinkled with dark hair, trailing enticingly down his flat stomach to the dark thatch of hair surrounding his smooth shaft.

Willow’s breath caught as the blush crept up her cheeks, unable to look away as his body responded to her gaze.

“While I’m all for being stared at like some sex object,” Xander moved back to her, running a finger from her shoulder to her neck before letting it trail down between her breasts. “I’d much rather you treat me like one.”

Willow swallowed hard, raising one hand to touch his chest. “I’m not…I don’t have a lot of practice at this.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he whispered, moving even closer, trapping her hand between their bodies. He turned his own hand, cupping her breast gently. His thumb brushed the hard tip as his lips found hers, capturing her soft gasp in his mouth.

Willow thrust forward, needing to feel him, aching for the heat of him. Her free arm wound around his waist, as she stood on tiptoe, rubbing the soft tangle of hair at the apex of her thighs against his erection. Xander cried out, pulling away, his whole body shaking.

Willow’s wide eyes met his as she followed him. Her hand pushed at his chest gently and he fell backwards, landing hard on the bed. Smiling down at his sprawled figure, she couldn’t help but giggle. “I said I didn’t have a lot of practice. I didn’t say I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“Well, I’ve always been a firm believer in the sharing of the knowledge.” He sat up and reached for her hand, guiding her down on the bed beside him.

“You have?” Willow’s eyebrows shot up, her voice turned skeptical.

“Oh yeah. Don’t you remember in third grade? I told you, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” He laughed softly, lying back, pulling her down on his chest. “That was you, wasn’t it?”

“Wasn’t that where my fear of frogs stemmed from?” She traced a soft pattern on his chest, staring down into his chocolate brown eyes. “I was standing in the middle of the woods without a stitch of clothing on and, instead of getting undressed, you threw a frog at me.”

“I wasn’t as smart then as I am now. Now, I know that I should appreciate you when you’re naked.” He lifted his head and kissed her softly.

“And then,” She broke away from the kiss, her eyes dancing with memory. “You stuffed a frog into my dress. I remember running through the woods into my back yard, completely naked. Luckily, my mother wasn’t home and…”

Xander wrapped his hand around her neck and brought her head down to his. “Can we reminisce later?”

“Why?” She grinned, brushing his lips with her own.

“I’d rather make some more memories right now. Much, much better ones.” He licked her lips, parting them, then kissed her. This kiss was different though, somehow. Willow tangled her hands in his hair, pulling him closer, reveling in the laughter trapped between them.

A shock surged through her system as Xander wrapped his legs around hers, entangling their bodies. He deepened the kiss, letting his tongue dance with hers, his arms moving around her. Willow felt tears sting her eyes as she kissed him back fiercely.

This is what she’d always wanted from kissing him. This is the kiss she’d dreamed about as a kid. This was laughter and simplicity, no guilt and hurt between them. This was the way she’d imagined her first kiss with Xander. This was… perfect.

“Xander,” she breathed against his lips, holding him down on the bed. “Do something for your oldest friend?”

“Anything, Wills. You know that.”

“Love me?”

***  
Xander shivered and nodded, moving his hands to her hips. He guided her down on top of him, reveling in the length of her body pressed to his. Turning slowly, he guided her down onto the mattress and held himself over her. He leaned down and kissed her nose. She giggled and he sighed happily.

This is what making love should be about.

A sort of relief surged through Xander. He was making love for the first time and he was doing it right. He was with the right woman and everything was exactly as it should be. He ducked his head and placed a kiss on her lips this time.

Willow looked up at him through half closed lids, her eyes smoky with desire, her lips parted from his light kiss. Closing his eyes, Xander stopped thinking and moved his head down, brushing lazy kisses along her shoulder and down her chest until he reached to soft mound of her breast.

Willow’s soft gasp of pleasure forced a small smile from his lips, but didn’t stop his exploration of her skin. He nibbled his way over the creamy flesh until he found the hard, rosy tip. Suckling it, bringing it gently into his mouth, Xander moaned in unison with Willow. Never, even in his wildest dreams and unmentioned fantasies, had he let himself visualize Willow like this. Never had he let his mind wander to where he was now, lost in the taste of his best friend’s molten skin.

Willow arched up, her hand curling around Xander’s neck as she kept his mouth firmly against her breast. His tongue wrapped around her nipple and she ground her hips against his, trapping his throbbing erection between their bodies.

Xander groaned and released his treat, raising his head to meet Willow’s eyes. “I’m trying to do the foreplay thing,” he panted. “You’re not making it easy.”

“Xander, we’ve had about thirteen years of foreplay,” she reminded him, her hips moving again. “I don’t want it to be easy.”

Grinning, he lay down on her once more, his chin resting beside hers. His weight was heavy, but not uncomfortable as she gazed into his eyes. “Willow? Have I ever told you that I love you more than Twinkies?”

“No.” She smiled. “I wouldn’t believe it if you did.”

He lifted his hand and fumbled with the drawer of his nightstand, his eyes never leaving hers. “Would you believe any other Hostess snack cake?”

“Maybe a Ho-ho.”

“I love you more than Ho-hos,” he vowed, finding what his fingers had been searching for. Disposing of the wrapper, he rolled off of her and placed the condom at the tip of his erection. He raised his eyes, searching hers. Willow smiled and placed her hand over his, both of their hands guiding it on him. “And never knew the protection could feel quite so good.”

Willow smoothed the latex along the length of his erection with a loving hand. “Make sure it’s on tight,” she whispered.

“I can think of a better way to hold it on.” Xander guided her back onto the bed and moved over her, his brown eyes thick with emotion.

Willow bit her lower lip as she watched him; their eyes never leaving each other’s as his body slowly lowered over hers. She held her breath as she felt him brush against the swollen, aroused flesh between her thighs before slipping between the sensitive lips into the warm wetness of her.

Their mutual gasp seemed to fill the loaded silence of the room. As their bodies joined for the first time, everything seemed to coalesce between them. Years of longing and needing, denying and hoping all came together in one magical moment, tinged with the bittersweet reminder of everything they’d suffered through to get to that point.

Inhaling deeply, Xander swallowed hard and pulled away from her, his whole body protesting even the slightest distance between them. Giving in to the seductive pull of her heat, Xander thrust forward, shuddering as Willow arched up at the same time, their intense meeting sending desire coursing through them both.

Willow smiled, her breath growing short as they fell into a passionate rhythm, both of their bodies moving, grinding together, pulling apart only to rush back toward one another in search of fulfillment. They moved together without thought, neither needed hints that new lovers sometimes do. They knew each other so well, on so many levels, that making love was the logical next step, so simple, yet so life changing.

Xander shivered, the heat between the two of them building to a tenuous peak. Willow’s legs grew taut beneath his as his thrust forward, burying himself in her, collapsing on top of her, gathering her to him, holding her as tightly as he could as they both rocked against each other. Willow couldn’t stand the sensations anymore, giving in to the need to lose herself in the man she loved.

They lay still, save for their trembling, holding each other as wave after wave of pleasure crashed over, around and through them, leaving nothing in their wake but satisfaction, completion and an overwhelming sense of love.

***  
Opening her eyes, Willow was startled to see Xander staring back at her. “Hey.”

“Hey. You’re all right?”

She nodded. “Wow. I mean, more than all right, if that’s what you’re asking. But if you’re just asking if I’m still alive after that…Xander, I’ve never experienced anything so…intense or so wonderful or so…”

Xander grinned and pressed two fingers against her lips. “I know. I felt it too.”

They lay there in silence again until finally he spoke.

“So, I’ll be telling Anya that she and I are definitely through. And you…you’re over Oz?”

“In every way that matters to us,” she nodded. Even though she wasn’t exactly giving him the answer he probably wanted to hear, something in her let her know that he probably understood.

“Good.” He pulled away slightly. “I should…” he gestured between them and she blushed, amazed that she still could.

“Right.”

They disentangled and Xander disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes before coming back and lying beside her. “So, what now?”

She laughed and curled up against him. “I don’t know. I never actually thought we’d manage to get this far.”

He laughed along with her and held her close. “I’d have to agree.” Sobering, he shrugged and stared at the ceiling. “I should talk to Anya. As quickly as possible.”

“Yeah.”

“Alone.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Willow pulled away and grabbed for her clothes. Xander rested a warm hand against the small of her back.

“I didn’t mean…”

“I know. I just think that if we lay there like this…I might not be able to control you when you get all sexy again.”

“Control me? Who’s the one undressing like some wanton…girl-type thing?”

Willow leaned over and kissed his nose. “That’s me. A wanton girl-type thing.”

Xander let her dress, pulling on his own clothes as she did. Fully dressed, they stared at each other, both a little awkward. “So,” he touched her hair. “I’ll call you?”

“Sure.” She grinned and leaned into his hand. “Or…just in case the Anya thing takes a while, if you can’t…”

“I’ll call.”

“I’ll come over tomorrow?”

“You’d better.”

She nodded and stepped closer, kissing him. Pulling back, she blushed and hid behind her hair. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Willow ran up the stairs, barely containing the giggle that threatened to burst from inside her.

“Wills!”

She turned around and looked at him over the stair railing. “What?”

“I love you.”

***  
He’d called.

Willow basked in the afterglow of the simple thing, sighing happily. He’d called when he said he would. He’d been down. Wasn’t happy with the Anya heart-breakage, but he’d called. Happy to talk to her.

Sighing softly, Willow wrapped her arms around her pillow and snuggled against it. He’d called. He loved her.

Tomorrow was going to be a wonderful day.

***  
Willow sat on the bed, tapping her feet on the floor impatiently. She wanted to go to Xander’s. She needed to go.

Making up her mind, she got off the bed and grabbed the doorknob. Just as she was about to duck out the door the phone rang.

The call she’d been dreading.

“Hello?”

“Will? Willow?”

“Hey Buffy.”

“Willow? I’m coming home. Angel…it’s over Willow.”

Willow sank down onto the bed, listening to her best friend sob as she told her about going to Angel’s office and confronting him with his visit to Sunnydale. She told her about him killing the demon. She told her about walking out of the office and out of Angel’s life.

Listening to Buffy, Willow leaned back against the pillow she’d woken up hugging and sobbed along with her, feeling her friend’s pain, feeling her sorrow.

Feeling like something important had been lost.


End file.
